


What a lovely day

by Sky_Lynx



Category: Warhammer - All Media Types
Genre: Bureaucracy, Crack Relationships, Forced Marriage, Gen, Humor, M/M, Marriage of Convenience, Parody, Same-Sex Marriage, Translation into English, Unresolved Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-10
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2020-12-07 16:44:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20979122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sky_Lynx/pseuds/Sky_Lynx
Summary: Alternative ending of 'Angels of Caliban': Gulliman agrees to spare Curze's life, on one condition.The Lion should marry Curze.Ultramar arc parody.





	1. Scene 1

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Чудесный день / What a lovely day](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20978585) by [Sky_Lynx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sky_Lynx/pseuds/Sky_Lynx). 

> Awesome Chinese translation by **panpan** is available now!  
Part 1: [(offcite link)](https://azhi2009.lofter.com/post/1d28d3c2_1c95a76ad)  
Part 2: [(offcite link)](https://azhi2009.lofter.com/post/1d28d3c2_1c95fa85d)
> 
> Wonderful art by **群星之上** : [(here)](https://qunxingzhishang.tumblr.com/post/627590231725604864/wedding-dress-%CF%89)  


_(Somewhere on Ultramar)_

**Roboute Guilliman: ** ‘Let’s review your prenup. According to it, the Eighth Legion is handed over to The Lion after your marriage. All the movable and immovable property of Konrad Curze also passes to The Lion.’

**Konrad Curze: **’So, does he get my armor?’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’Yes.’

**Konrad Curze: **’And gauntlets of my armor?’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’Yes.’

**Konrad Curze: **’And under…’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’Shut up.’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’Thank you, The Lion. In the event of divorce and in the event of death all the aforementioned property remains in the disposal of The Lion.’

**Konrad Curze: **’And what do I get?’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’A life.’

**Konrad Curze: **_(sarcastically)_ ‘Great deal!’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’You will get it if you conduct yourself well.’

**Konrad Curze: **_(even more sarcastically)_ ‘It sounds like a deal of my dream!’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’Any comments?’

**Konrad Curze: **’The Lion should have some commitment to me too!’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’Give me an example.’

**Konrad Curze: **’Sex two times a week.’

_Guilliman coughes._

_The Lion rolls his eyes._

**Roboute Guilliman: **’Konrad. Legal documents should not include demands which humiliate or insult any of the parties.’

**Konrad Curze: **’Holy shit, are we still talking about the document which strippes me of my damn underwear and turns me into The Lion’s pet?’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’We are. Do you dare to say you’ve got an objection?’

**Konrad Curze: **’No, I am stunned by this fucking democracy.’

*  



	2. Scene 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Could you please stop turning a standard procedure into a farce?'  
’Are you talking about a procedure of confirming that the forced false marriage is actually a voluntary marriage of loving couple?’  
'Shut up.'

**Roboute Guilliman: **’In accordance with the laws of Ultramar I shall make investigation that your marriage is not marriage of convenience a.k.a. fake marriage before I authorize it.’

**Konrad Curze: **’It’s the fake marriage.’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’Agreed.’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’No, we can’t go with it. The Lion, do you wish to fulfill Konrad’s prophecy?’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’I do - for sake of our Father.’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’Therefore you wish to marry Konrad to spare his life and thus you get married voluntarily and by choice.’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’I sold my honor to a demon of bureaucracy.’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’Therefore you agree. Konrad, do you want to live?’

**Konrad Curze: **’I don’t.’

**Roboute Guilliman: **'Well... Do you want to...'

_Roboute Guilliman starts thinking._

_Lion El'Jonson starts thinking._

**Konrad Curze: **’Damn it, I want to see these handcuffs removed from my hands!’

**Roboute Guilliman: **_(perked up)_ ‘Excellent! After the marriage you will be granted an opportunity to ask your spouse to grant this wish!’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’Let’s proceed to the next part of the verification.’

**Konrad Curze: **’Fucking bureaucrats.’

*  
  
**Roboute Guilliman: **’Unfortunately, my schedule was too busy and I had no time to adjust a standard verification form for you. We should perform adjusting in real time. Konrad, what is name of your spouse’s father?’

**Konrad Curze: **’Do you mean his foster father or dickhead?’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’Insulting a third party shall be punished with fine. Insulting The Emperor...’

**Konrad Curze: **’I have no money. Will my dear fiance be so kind to pay instead of me?’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’I will not pay for his actions, Roboute!’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’I see. Since this is the first time I give you a warning. I repeat the question: what is name of...‘

**Konrad Curze: **’Do you mean Luther or dickhead?’

_Roboute Guilliman takes a deep breath._

**Roboute Guilliman: **’Let’s state that ‘Luther’ is the name of one of his fathers and this is a correct answer. The Lion, what is name of your fiance’s mother?’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’Are you mocking me?’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’Unlike Konrad you do have money for fine.’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’He has no mother - he was born in laboratory.’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’Correct. Konrad, does your spouse have got any hobbies?’

**Konrad Curze: **’Beating me up to repeated near-death experience.’

_Roboute Guilliman nervously coughs._

**Konrad Curze: **’By the way, I guess you should take some action ‘cause you’re sort of official. Shouldn’t you?’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’Objection. My fiance has the pretty same hobby. Our brother from Seventh Legion will eagerly confirm it.’

**Roboute Guilliman: **_(gloomy)_ ‘Could you please stop behaving like motherf...’

**Konrad Curze: **’We were born in lab, Roboute. We have no mothers. So we can be only false motherfuckers.’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’Could you please stop behaving like false motherfuckers?! And stop turning a standard procedure into a farce?!’

**Konrad Curze: **’Are you talking about a procedure of confirming that the forced false marriage is actually a voluntary marriage of loving couple?’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’Shut up.’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’Thank you, The Lion. Let’s say that your relationship has been forged in the flame of common hobbies - which I do not record out of respect for your private life. Next question is...

**Roboute Guilliman: **’The Lion, do you have any mutual acquaintances? Mention them by name. Hmm…’

_Roboute Guilliman stares at his document pensively._

_The Lion El'Jonson raises his eyebrow._

**Lion El'Jonson: **’According to battle reports of Thramas Crusade in last three years…’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’Well, I think we can skip this part.’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’Objection. Please do not interrupt me and write down my words.’

**Konrad Curze: **’And that was a gruesome end of Ultramar paper industry.’

*  
  
**Roboute Guilliman: **’Are you living together at the moment?’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’More likely than not. We both live on the board of “Invincible Reason”. I stay on a command deck, he stays in a jail cell in lower levels.’

**Konrad Curze: **’Well, I won’t call this shit a ‘life’.’

*  
  
**Roboute Guilliman: **’Eight hours later - I swear, I’ll see most of it in my nightmares - the verification is finally over. I confirm that your marriage is not marriage of convenience and you receive official permission to get married.’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’At last, it’s over.’

**Konrad Curze: **’Is it all? No congratulations? What’s about three words that I’ve waited to hear for so long?’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’Will. Smack. You.’

**Konrad Curze: **’Yes. That’s what I was waiting for.’

*  



	3. Scene 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ’I swear, there is no Typhon here, Lord Guilliman!’
> 
> ’Be careful with your vows. If I find Typhon on my planet, I… Well. I’ll make you marry him.’

  
_(somewhere on the ‘Invincible Reason’)_

**Konrad Curze: **’The Lion, our momentous day is getting closer and closer.’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’No. I won’t remove your handcuffs.’

**Konrad Curze: **’You are too boring.’

**Konrad Curze: **’How about you release my sons from prison in honor of this day?’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’Why should I do that?’

**Konrad Curze: **’You can’t take a hint, can you? Without this my infinite humiliation won’t be absolute.’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’Let me think a little. How about you revive Alajos? In honor of this day.’

**Konrad Curze: **’Well… I cannot.’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’Neither can I. We have reached a mutual understanding, haven’t we?’

*  
  
_(Somewhere on Ultramar)_

**Roboute Guilliman: **_(points at one of space marines)_ ’Where did you get him?’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’On Caliban.’

**Roboute Guilliman: ** ’Where have you got him just now?’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’On my ship.’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’Stop your concealing, please. I do not have memory issues. This is Corswain. You stated that you had sent him to chase Typhon!’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’He returned earlier than expected.’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’And brought Typhon here?! Just like you brought here Konrad!’

**Corswain: **’I swear, there is no Typhon here, Lord Guilliman!’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’Be careful with your vows. If I find Typhon on my planet, I… Well. I’ll make you marry him.’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’Holy crap. Looks like you’re enjoying this new method of punishment.’

**Corswain: **’Fine. Just fine. Why should we keep things small? Make me marry Sevatar, let’s chain Eighth Legion tie.’

_The Lion points at someone standing behind the Corswain._

**Corswain: **’Please, my liege, say that you’re kidding.’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’Where have you got Sevatar?!’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’On my ship.’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’Screw you all.’

*  



	4. Scene 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ’Since when are you worried about me?’
> 
> ’I can swear by your dead body, I was always worried about you!’

  
_(somewhere on the ‘Invincible Reason’)_

**Lion El'Jonson: **’Here is a witness for you. Are you satisfied now, Konrad?’

**Sevatar: **’A witness? Are you planning to commit a crime?’

**Konrad Curze: **’Brutally murder a common sense and take part in a slave trade.’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’And cause physical injury.’

**Konrad Curze: **’I was kidding. Sevatar, you are to be the wedding witness.’

**Sevatar: **’Hmm. And who are happy sweethearts?’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’Happy?’

**Konrad Curze: **’Forget that word, Sev.’

*  
  
**Sevatar: **’Father, that’s ridiculous! Did you go mad?’

**Konrad Curze: **’Since when are you worried about me?’

**Sevatar: **’I can swear by your dead body, I was always worried about you!’

*  
  
**Sevatar: **’Uncle, can I call you a ‘father’ after the marriage?’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’No, you can not.’

**Sevatar: **’Stepfather?’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’No.’

**Sevatar: **’And…’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’Shut him up, Konrad.’

**Konrad Curze: **’Shut up, Sev or my dearest fiance will break your spine.’

**Sevatar: **’Father, you aren’t threatening me, are you?’

**Konrad Curze: **’It is not a threat, Sev. It’s a prediction.’

*  
  
_(Somewhere on Ultramar)_

**Holguin: **’Unfortunately traditions of Caliban do not consider marriage between two men. Therefore, our traditional wedding wishes will be addressed to ‘the lady’ of our liege. I hope, Lord Curze won’t speak against it.’

**Konrad Curze: **_(to himself)_ ‘I’ll gut you.’ _(aloud)_ ‘Go ahead, impress me.’

**Holguin: **’The sons of Caliban wish our fair lady a humility and a virtue so that she would support and inspire her spouse.’

**Redloss: **’The sons of Caliban wish our fair lady a diligence and a zeal in housekeeping.’

**Corswain: **’The sons of Caliban wish our precious lady a good health so that gods would bless her womb with many sons and daughters…’

_Curze tries to break his handcuffs. The Lion pulls him back._

**Konrad Curze: **’It’s I who will fuck you and gut you, you pathetic arrogant monkey! The Lion will not protect you forever!’

**Corswain: **’Now, where was I? We wish you easy births, our fair lady…’

*  



	5. Scene 5

_(Somewhere on Ultramar)_

**Roboute Guilliman: ** ‘The Lion, have you already decided by what means you will notify survivor Night Lords that you have the authority to give them orders?’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’Any suggestions?’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’A decree of Imperium Secundus Regent?’

**Konrad Curze: **’Are you going to set it in 30 kilometers-long stone slab and put it on prow of ‘Invincible Reason’?’

**Sanguinius: **’We can transmit the message on all the frequencies.’

**Konrad Curze: **’My stupid sons do not listen even to me! And you think that they listen to you! Seriously?’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’I see. Then it will be you who will read the message for them. And if someone doesn’t obey, my bolter pointed to his head will convince him.’

**Konrad Curze: **’You can rip out my tongue, you can kill me, you can send them a video of my horrific death - but I’m not going to do that!’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’Do not dramatize a situation, Konrad.’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’Have you just said ‘Send a video’?’

**Konrad Curze: **’The Lion, can you rip out my tongue?’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’Can you make up your mind and finally say what do you want?!’

*  
  
**Sanguinius: **’Roboute, are you sure about giving The Lion one more legion? With these powers he might turn whole the galaxy upside down.’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’Damn it. You’re right. We cannot let them marry.’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’But on the other hand we cannot let the resources of Night Lords out of our control. They can unleash hell on Imperium. That is why Konrad should sign a marriage contract with one of us.’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’I have an idea. You will marry Konrad.’

**Sanguinius: **’Whaaat?!’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’Sanguinius, think about it. I cannot do that - people of Ultramar won’t accept such policy from me. The Lion must not do that - you’ve just told me the reasons. But you - you are the Regent and the most prudent of my brothers. No one will ever speak against your decisions.’

**Sanguinius: **’But Roboute, this sound insane…’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’But Sanguinius, for the good of everyone!’

**Sanguinius: **’Alright. I will do that.’

*  



	6. Scene 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wedding bells. Kind of.

_(Somewhere on Ultramar)_

**Lion El'Jonson: **’How dare you plot behind my back?! To make me look ridiculous in front of a planet - it this what you wanted?!’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’Why aren’t you answering, Roboute?!’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’My explanation didn’t change since the last of two hundred forty three times I had already pronounced it.’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’We explained to people that the announcement of your and Konrad’s wedding was disinformation for possible spies.’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’Also we decided to merge remaining warriors of Konrad’s legion with the legion which suffered the most severe losses - and it is Blood Angels of Sanguinius.’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’You forgot to mention that all of it was decided behind my back!’

**Sanguinius: **’The Lion, please stop it. This alliance is just a formality!’

**Sanguinius: **’I swear, I won’t get in the way of your relationship!’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’I have no damn relationship with him! And I’ve never had anything with him!’

**Konrad Curze: **’You are really mad about your brother stealing your fiance, aren’t you, The Lion?’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’I am really close to tearing something off, speaking about my ex-fiance.’

**Konrad Curze: **’Easy, easy, I don’t want to walk down the aisle with a jacked up face. A veil won’t look good on it.’

**Konrad Curze: **’Will I get a veil?’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’No.’

**Konrad Curze: **’But Sanguinius, I want a veil! And white armor. Am I fiance of Imperium Secundus Regent or what?’

**Sanguinius: **_(to himself)_ ‘I’m sorry, Roboute, but I’m starting to hate you.’

*  
  
**Roboute Guilliman: **’I congratulate you on this most favorable in terms of merge of capitals event. I hope that your alliance is stable and profitable for you and all of us.’

**Sanguinius: **’I cannot completely express my gratitude, Roboute.’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’Congratulations, Roboute. I think you are the one who has benefited most.’

**Konrad Curze: **’The Lion, are you going to tell Sanguinius good news?’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’Going to tell him what?’

**Konrad Curze: **’To tell him that you changed the prenup…’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’Bloody hell. I’ve completely forgotten about that.’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’Pardon me, what did you just…’

**Konrad Curze: **’...and added a paragraph about sex two times a week.’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’WHAT?!’

**Sanguinius: **’WHAT?!’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’It’s not your fucking deal, I can add anything I want to my contracts!’

**Sanguinius: **’You fucking…’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’Sanguinius, please, don’t worry, I’ll abolish all the inconsistent changes!’

**Lion El'Jonson: **’Sanguinius, don’t go so mad.’

**Roboute Guilliman: **’Sanguinius, please, don’t!’

_Sanguinius changes, his fangs come through, his eyes become bloodshot._

**Konrad Curze: **’What a day…’

**Sanguinius: **’I’LL FUCKING BRING YOUR FUCKING GUTS INTO YOUR FUCKING MOUTHS, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES!’

**Konrad Curze: **’What a lovely day…’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I finished my first translation into English!
> 
> Please rate & review! It's important for me.
> 
> What should I translate into English next? Please share your opinions!

**Author's Note:**

> I'm new in translating fiction into English so please feel free to report any issues or grammar.


End file.
